HTMH Guest Post: I Eat Veggies, Not Babies. You Should Be Nicer to Me.

There are a lot of ways in which I make social situations awkward.

One of them is that I’m awkward, but that’s not the one I’m talking about. I’m talking about the other ones.  I’m talking about the ones you should get over. You should get over feeling awkward around me because I’m a really interesting person. and you should make me feel popular.

It’s in true “Hey! That’s My Hummus” style to point out that most people don’t take the time to ask questions about social difference, and instead opt to avoid the problem like that one ex who still lives in the same part of town as you.

(Funny how they always get a text message right before they pass you on the street, isn’t it?)

(Anyways, this is sad. Stop it.)

I would like to take this year’s Hummus Hiatus to talk to you about myself about one of the things that people don’t ever want to ask me about, that people actually should ask me about.  I’d like to answer your questions and thereby systematically eliminate any excuses that make me feel unpopular.
Awkward Thing About Me: 
I am a vegetarian.

There.  I said it.

I know what you think that means.

I’m obviously a PETA-card-carrier, I throw paint at fur clothes, and will make you cry if you ever speak about meat around me, right?  I would like to point out that, like the most visible of any group, these people are not representative of “our kind;” these are the Taliban and the Westboro Baptist Church of vegetarianism.  

This, of course, begs the question of what prompts people into vegetarianism if it isn’t, you know, a militant love of cows.  Animals are cute, I think we’ll all give you that, but my parents keep chickens behind their house, and I shed no tears when I see a wing or breast on the grill, my friends.

There are tons of reasons to eat a vegetarian diet.  Since you’re more likely to meet a vegetarian than this vegetarian, here are some explanations.

Some of us were cursed with a family history of health problems that are aggravated by high-fat and –cholesterol diets. ::Raises hand::

Some of us want to lose weight (remember how I just implied that meat heavy diets are high-fat and –cholesterol diets?  Low/no-meat diets are freakin’ awesome for you.)  Others worry about the resources that go into it.  It takes a lot more work and money to raise a cow or pig for a few years than it does to grow a squash, just so you know.  Good for the environment, good for you.

Okay, back to me. (Yay!)

Despite all of this, I am still the scourge of a dinner party.  It’s like high school gossip for me:  I somehow cause drama that I didn’t have anything to do with.  (They’re saying I did what?  Really?  I didn’t touch the guy.)

“Can I still serve meat dishes?” asks the host.

Yes, yes you can.

“Is he judging me for eating this burger?” ask the guests.

No, I’m judging you for smothering it in half a bottle of ketchup. Mustard goes on burgers, not ketchup.…seriously.  You had me rooting for you.  That double cheeseburger (with bacon, if you’re not keeping kosher!) looked delicious before you drowned it in tomato-y, syrup-y nastiness.

I believe is the philosophy of HTMH, ask questions.

Not only will you make me or your local Veg Head feel interesting and popular, but you might actually make a friend out of us.  Make it a bonding experience. Find that token vegetarian friend you’ve always needed in your social circle.  Ask me about my yummy taco recipe.


I would much rather you ask me why I’m a vegetarian than for you to sit all guilty in the corner, quietly eating your meat and avoiding me all night.  That makes the night less fun and me less popular.  A lose/lose scenario if there ever was one.

So go ahead, eat that bacon double cheeseburger, it looks delicious.  Just make sure you compliment me in between bites.

(Unless you’re Faiqa or Mike, then shame on you for eating bacon.)


Photo Credit


About Our Guest:

Andrew Salman is a student at Western Kentucky University where he studies Political Science, Media, and Chinese. Addicted to travelling, he tries to never spend more than two consecutive seasons on any continent.  He blogs infrequently about why other people are wrong to not realize how interesting he is at The Chronicles of Inanity, but can always be found talking about himself on his Twitter.  Also?  Huge fan of dinosaurs.





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